WARNING – GRAPHIC IMAGERY

An entire package of Oreos was found decimated on the kitchen floor of a local Toronto home Friday afternoon.

It seems the Oreos made a pact to launch themselves off the kitchen counter, to avoid the horrible fate of being eaten by some snot-nosed punk. They fell to their death just minutes before 13-year-old Lester arrived home. Upon impact, the cookies were left unrecognizable, with only an empty package to identify them.

Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident, as families around the country have seen their cookies choose a horrible, self-inflicted death over being consumed by some little pimple-faced brat. The reports show an alarming trend of cult-like death rituals that seem to indicate an uprising in cookie culture. Reports are coming in from British Columbia all the way to New Brunswick.

Officers are investigating further, but it’s not looking good for these confectionary treats. Only time will tell if there will be a resolution to these disturbing events.